Faith has the microphone, fear is in the audience, and the possibilities on who you will become as a result of pursuing divine manifestation should excite you too much for you to stay stagnant. ~Sarah Jakes Roberts

I wrote this blog post two years ago, right after a conference called Live it Loud. This summer, I get the opportunity to attend the same conference. It was a strange experience reading my words (and grammatical errors) two years later, but I felt that it was important to share this particular post. It reminded me that although I am not yet the person I want to be, I am also not the person I used to be and that I am continually progressing, even when I feel I'm going backwards at times. So enjoy and don't forget to comment and subscribe!

I approached summer 2016 with one goal in mind: get as far away from Saskatoon as possible. It might seem strange to some, but I needed a physical and mental break from anything and anyone I knew. I wanted a summer with a different environment and people. Maybe make a couple friends, but to be honest, that was not the target of my departure. Being someone who loves to travel, staying in Saskatoon for another summer was not a viable option in my mind. Regardless of what anyone said or did, I was determined to leave.

Since in my mind, I had already established what I felt my summer plans were, I began planning to make sure I got what I wanted. My original plan was to go to California, or Montreal for the summer and just work. So, for most of March, April, and May, I worked on getting a job in Montreal or California but ended up jobless. At one point I was speaking to my dad and he asked me a question that bothered me. He said, "Have you prayed about this and asked God what His will was for you this summer." I told him I would pray about it, but in my mind, there was NO WAY that God would make me stay in Saskatoon any longer.

            My plans were crushed, and I mean CRUSHED after a trip to my school adviser. Although I was anxious to leave, I needed to make sure that if I took the summer off, I would still be on track to graduate in 2018. It turned out that if I wanted to graduate in two years, I had to take three summer classes that year. So here I was in May, already declaring that this was bound to be the worst summer of my entire life. Not only did I have a terrible year, but I was about to have a terrible summer as well. I had many reasons for wanting to be on my own for a while, but the main reason was probably because I felt suffocated. Not physically, but mentally and spiritually. I needed time. On a final effort to escape Saskatoon for a little bit, I used my birthday present to pay for a conference called Live it Loud. 

Prior to leaving for the conference, my mom and dad said the same thing to me at different points. They said, "make sure you are going there to meet God and not to socialize." At first, I didn't listen because it was a typical Nigerian-parent thing to say, but their words stuck like gorilla glue. See up to that point, I hadn't thought of what I wanted out of the conference, apart for the fact that it was in Edmonton and I get to leave Saskatoon. All my actions that summer were to achieve a single goal: leaving. Some might call it running, I call it “taking a break.”

So, in my rare moment of pure faith, I told God, "I have no idea why you are letting me go to this thing but if there is one thing I ask, it is to meet you. To feel your presence again like I did in 2014. One that is so real and rare that I have no choice but to say that it was you."

On the first day of the conference, I smiled. We had the most amazing worship service and if there is one thing I love the most about my Christian faith, its the musical worship. It is my happy place.  

On the second to last day of the conference was when everything changed for me. I entered the final prayer session with one prayer in mind, "God I need to be closer to you"

That was my prayer when we entered worship. After Pastor P.K. Olawale preached, we started to pray. I couldn't stop crying. There was no reason for my tears, they just kept flowing. So many people were screaming out, encountering the Holy spirit, it was like this immense presence of God, I have never felt a power like that. But while this was happening, I decided to be smart with God (don't ask why). I told Him, in no way, shape, or form was I going to scream out. Almost immediately, Pastor P.K. said that God had just said something to someone there and they needed to come and say it. A person came up and say something to the extent of "God said that you have not tasted the extent of my power but I'm about to show up and show off." I hear this, but I didn't feel like it was for me..

That's when I felt it... I started to speak in tongues. Saying words that I have never said. My cries turned into deep groaning. I was literally forced to my knees, crying, speaking in tongues. Finally, I heard, "let it out, let go, stop holding on." Finally, I did the one thing I told God I would never do, I screamed. It was like the release that I never knew I needed. The breath that I held in for months. The emotions I pushed down, because I felt that it made me weak. I screamed out the never-ending judgement I felt, the discouragement, the frustration with myself and finally the lock I had put on my heart. I couldn't help it. Nobody in that place could help it, when God visits you, you have no choice but to let him. From 8:30am-4pm, we stayed in that room. I will never forget July 30th, 2016.

Now before I conclude I have a couple of things to add:

1. God doesn't waste pain or experience, rather He utilizes it as you proceed on the path of your purpose. Don't allow what you are going through blind you to God's faithfulness.

2. As young Christian, I have struggled with sharing my faith. In my group I am known as the "good Christian". And at first, it made me feel good that that was my identity in the eyes of my friends. But then it got confusing, sometimes I felt that it was said out of judgement, "don't talk to her, we already know what she is about to say." Or, "not everything has to be about God." And for a little while it dimmed my speech. I didn't want to be known just as the Christian girl. After this conference, I feel very different.

"If you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything."

3. God doesn't need perfect people, He needs you to surrender. -Don't because of yesterday's mistakes disqualify yourself. Whenever God forgives you, to Him-It NEVER happened.

"For the sins and inequities, He will remember no more."

4. "When you understand purpose, you have no place for bitterness." 

This was a personal lesson for myself. In your life there will be many people who will hurt you. But when you understand the value, how inexplicably great your purpose is, you can't be bitter. For bitterness is a poison that can and will steal your destiny from you, if you let it. 

So, there it is, Summer 2016. I can't believe that I am saying this, but it was by far the best summer of my life. There isn't just one reason that made it great, but there were many. I felt that I grew up mentally and spiritually. Yes, not all my goals were accomplished for the summer, in fact not even half of them, but the most important ones were, and it makes it worth the all the disappointments. I hope all of y'all reading have an amazing rest of the summer! Comment below on any thoughts or questions you have and thank you for reading.

Until next time,