“May His presence go before you. And behind you, and beside you. All around you, and within you. He is with you, He is with you.”

I have had a lot of spare time to reflect in this season and although I would love to delegate most of my time to my studies, that decision would not be without motive. When confronted with a season that makes me uncomfortable (which honestly at this stage is every season), what tends to happen is that I begin to overcompensate. I zero in on an area I can exist comfortably and neglect the growing pains of another. In this season, where I find myself in a space of complete surrender to the process, and still existing in the uncomfortability of it (with a few breaks), I am confronted with another battle; writing.

When I first began this blog, I was passionate. Sharing my ideas and experiences brought me an outlet. I enjoyed putting items together, writing and posting. At the same time, my passion for photography was reignited. This website became a space where I could be creative and at the same time reflective.

I never expected the response or the audience. Sharing my experience soon became a test of my boundaries. I wanted to be honest but not at the cost of my privacy. Once I realized people were reading the posts and not just glancing by to see the pictures, I became less excited to share, but more worried about what perception of myself I was portraying. A simple blog post was no about longer writing or editing, rather it became an opportunity to be self-critical. I would compare myself constantly to other people in the same field. Constantly wishing I had more engagement or followers. Waiting for the praise but living with the emptiness I felt after the praise.

I began to lack authenticity, especially on social media. I shared some of my happiest moments, but there were times I was more concerned with notoriety. I am not saying that all posts lacked in authenticity, I am just saying that some were motivated by a need to look “interesting.” For example, posting a picture of magazines on the floor (which I never read), with the caption “exciting projects!” when really, I was bored at home and was trying to make my page look “more creative.”

Each blog post I wrote was another opportunity to remind myself that I am not a writer and should probably leave this platform for people who were blessed with such talents. I still wrote but shared less. I started asking myself, “can I still share my experiences and minimize the details? ” How much of my faith can I discuss without coming off “too deep?”

Side note: if you have ever been called “too deep”, take it as a compliment, and negate the slight shade. It means you are reflective, thoughtful, and if you are someone who strives for continual growth; experience is not the best teacher, but evaluated experience is the best teacher.

I was no longer comfortable, and lost sight of why this space was created. I had lots to share, but slowly began to lack the will to share. If I am being honest, this moment still is tainted with fear but overshadowed with courage. These next couple of posts coming in the space of time, and God-willing, courage, is about the last 6 years. From the year I entered university (2014), till now in my second year in medical school. I have been reluctant to share these last couple chapters but in this season of surrender, I am choosing to be intentionally comfortable with the uncomfortability. My hope is that you read and are blessed. I hope you are safe and are maximizing the time given in this season. My prayers are truly with you.

Until next time,