Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are – John Wooden.

My journey began at the age of 16, in 2013. I was in grade 12, and it was around the application period for Universities. At that time, I was still a master in the art of procrastination, so by the time I settled down to fill out the applications, it was close to the deadline for most schools. I still remember sitting at the desktop in my house, mindlessly filling out an application for the nursing program at the University of Regina. I don’t know if it was frustration, or just the genuine lack of interest or excitement to become a university student that fall, but close to the end, I decided that I didn’t want to go to University that year, but I wanted to take the year off. Some of you may ask why, but to put it simply, I was tired. For four years in high school, I spent it accomplishing. I kept my marks high, joined various sports, including golf and curling, was in different clubs held in and outside school, and kept a busy life for a teenager, but I was not ready. You would think with this new-found resolution I had a plan, I did not, but I knew what I did not want.

I finally decided what I wanted to do the night after my graduation that June. I wanted to attend bible college. I’m not sure what led to such a definitive decision; I grew up in the church, went to church weekly, but never had a relationship with God past acknowledging that there was a God. My idea of God was that He was powerful, should be feared and worshiped, but I believed His love for us His creation was conditional. One that required the transaction of praise, reverence, and honor to be received. What I did enjoy thoroughly about church was worship and in worship, there were moments where I connected with my religion, but I never made it a personal relationship. I was in children’s ministry, was on the worship team, volunteered for events, I attended church every Sunday, but once the curtains closed, I lived my life. At that age, I was in the stage of figuring out what aspects of my life I wanted to intentionally live out and what aspects I wanted to drop, and my beliefs were a topic I wanted to explore. Also, it was a tremendous opportunity to travel, which if you know me, you know I love to travel. That summer, I got two jobs, and worked from June to December to fund my plans. On January 2nd, 2014, I boarded the plane for Lindale, Texas, my temporary home for the next 5 months.

I had what I wanted, or at least I thought I did, but the first month in Discipleship Training School (DTS) was miserable for me. Instead of space, I felt suffocated. Everyone was always so concerned with how I was doing, constantly asking if I was okay, and wanted to “talk.” Now to a normal individual this will be perfectly normal, but to me it felt invasive. I was not keen on sharing my “inner thoughts” with people that were strangers to me, and even if I truly was not okay, I generally dealt with that myself. What was even more frustrating was that it was my silence during gatherings was what gave off the perception that I was not okay. For me, being silent in a gathering was normal. I was a quiet teenager, spoke when it was necessary, but was generally quite silent. There are times where I would choose to be excessively social, but in this situation, where I felt completely out of my comfort zone, that was not my approach. My approach was to remain observant. Once again, you would think the primary motive was to see whom I could trust, but for me, trust was not something I was interested in building with people at that time.

There were several phone calls home, in which the bulk of the conversation included the frustrations and challenges I felt while in the program. For the first two months, I was quite closed off. I felt disconnected, out of place and quite alone; although the later was a deliberate decision. Part of me wanted to return home, but that thought was met with so much conflict. You see I worked hard to be there, I already paid the fees, and the challenge I felt while in school, was the perfect enticement that made me want to stay. As time went on, things got better. I had managed to work out the schedule, understand the program a bit better, and further developed the skill of avoiding situations that required me to talk about myself.

During class one day, we just had a lecture with one of the teachers, and after he concluded, he said he had a video for us to watch. Before watching the video, he said something to the extent of, “Just listen to what God has to say about you.” For some reason, that caught my attention; hours of lecture, and that was the only thing I remembered. The video started; it was a called “The Father’s love letter.” In the video, there is a series of texts from the bible, and these texts stated how the Father (God) saw us his children. Mid-way during the video, I felt trickles of tears running down my cheeks, but at a particular line, it became a waterfall. It was the line, “you are not a mistake.”

I cannot explain why that meant so much to me or why that statement grabbed my attention, but it did. I was captivated. It was the perfect mix of letters to tell me that God saw me. It was my first introduction to God the Father. Father first, before God. That distinction was important to me because as a child, my understanding of Christianity was through the lens of God, the all-powerful Omnipotent one. I related with Him through the lens of my understanding, but in that moment, I got a proper introduction. You have heard the statement, “everyone wants to be seen, loved, and accepted.” For me, in a dark classroom in Lindale, Texas, I felt seen, loved, and accepted with those simple words.

Until next time,