I wrote this back in June, at the apex of the black lives matter movement. I was hurt, frustrated with the silence, but inspired to utilize the tools I had to highlight an issue that has had an impact on my identity. I’ve discovered that the best way I know how to express myself is with a pen. This was a penned letter to myself on my 24th birthday. A resolution I made to myself in that season. I felt liberated, but intimidated by my freedom. I was unsure how to operate in this space. So here is an attempt. I hope you read with an open mind. Happy new year everyone! Welcome to 2021! I’ll be back soon

I no longer need your home.

I waited.

By my door, hoping that yours would creak open.

Hoping to hear your feet creaking against the floorboards towards my direction.

I waited every night.

After every encounter, that eventually numbed me.

Numbed me to your words.

I waited patiently, for your attention to turn in my direction.

I thought your voice would give me back mine.

I waited, after every accomplishment for my recognition.

I waited for an invitation into your circle

I wanted to qualify irrespective of my physical attributes.

I wanted you to look past them.

I had already come into agreement with you that they were inadequate

So, I did not want them to be the classification you used when you saw me

I waited, even after I declared that I hated you.

Even when I was convinced that my actions towards success were not to prove you wrong

Even when my perceived deficiencies forced a tape over my mouth

That seal over my voice kept me silent for decades

When it wasn’t fear that kept me silent, it was a reminder of my position;

Which was nothing

Yet in this rebirth, I realized that you never had the power to keep me chained

At some point, I was no longer bound, yet I kept the broken chains

For I found the illusion of safety in them.

It was easier to sit defeated then rise free

For with freedom comes a re-learning experience

An experience filled with a new set of unknowns.

Sometimes it is not the experience that keeps you stagnant,

But the fear of standing alone.

I used to place more weight on the applause and less on my convictions.

I no longer need your acceptance

I found a home.

For when He stepped into my cave, He fed my hunger and thirst for acceptance

For not even my fear is enough to snuff out His light in me

For I am His and He is forever mine

By the virtue of His existence, I am liberated.

Free to walk. Free to explore. Free to question

Free to walk through doors that were sealed shut

Free to be a nuisance to the enemy

Till the world has seen your glory

This is 24!