#Atonement
Atonement
Waiting for Atonement
For the sounds to be free again
For the muster of courage to rise again within
Be strong you say,
But I’m not strong, I’m weak with no spine
No, don’t say it
Saying it speaks it into existence
“There’s beauty in your brokenness”
But I thought I requested for you to leave
I’m of no use to you here, in this stage
My tears are not a relieve, rather they are a window to the shattering pain I feel
Be strong, do better, surrender
Surrender to what?
My uselessness?
You want the whole me?
You can handle it right? You made me
You tell me my weakness is my strength
That I should come out of hiding
And I did, boy did I, guns blazing and everything
But I’ve come to realise that my guns are pointed at me
And each time I point, I’m shooting at myself
It’s not the shot, no, not even the pain that comes with the bullet,
But it’s the pain of recovery and the knowledge that I was the one who fired the bullet
Me. I spoke when I should’ve stayed silent
I felt, when feeling gives me the push into the hole I dug
I let it out, when I should’ve kept it in
Yet, my own silence is deafening
You burnt down my walls.
Broke me.
I’m like a child with no warm blanket
Naked as the day I left my mother’s womb
You want all of it? I don’t want you to have it
Because all of me has nothing to offer you but my silence
I excel mute and with instructions
I can teach myself to no longer ask questions
It’s probably best for our relationship
Obedience, respect, and honor.
Just let me cry.
Until next time,
