Atonement

Waiting for Atonement

For the sounds to be free again

For the muster of courage to rise again within

Be strong you say,

But I’m not strong, I’m weak with no spine

No, don’t say it

Saying it speaks it into existence

“There’s beauty in your brokenness”

But I thought I requested for you to leave

I’m of no use to you here, in this stage

My tears are not a relieve, rather they are a window to the shattering pain I feel

Be strong, do better, surrender

Surrender to what?

My uselessness?

You want the whole me?

You can handle it right? You made me

You tell me my weakness is my strength

That I should come out of hiding

And I did, boy did I, guns blazing and everything

But I’ve come to realise that my guns are pointed at me

And each time I point, I’m shooting at myself

It’s not the shot, no, not even the pain that comes with the bullet,

But it’s the pain of recovery and the knowledge that I was the one who fired the bullet

Me. I spoke when I should’ve stayed silent

I felt, when feeling gives me the push into the hole I dug

I let it out, when I should’ve kept it in

Yet, my own silence is deafening

You burnt down my walls.

Broke me.

I’m like a child with no warm blanket

Naked as the day I left my mother’s womb

You want all of it? I don’t want you to have it

Because all of me has nothing to offer you but my silence

I excel mute and with instructions

I can teach myself to no longer ask questions

It’s probably best for our relationship

Obedience, respect, and honor.

Just let me cry.

Until next time,