#What is.
“I can see the light in the darkness, as the darkness bows to Him. I can hear the roar in the Heavens, as the space within wears thin. I can feel the ground shake beneath us, as the prison walls cave in, Nothing stands between us ~Hillsong United~
What is prayer? What does having a relationship with you look like? What is the progression of growth? Is it linear? Is it a Gaussian distribution? Am I moving or stagnant? Am I doing this right? Relating with you right? Praying right? Am I just using you when I need you or is there more to our relationship? Am I enough? What do I need to do to remain in constant peace with you? You say I should be myself, but how much of myself do you really want? Do you want the corny bits? Do you want the nice part? Or how about the judgmental me? The one who looks at a person and says, “I’ll never be like that.” Or the one who sees a christian and judges what their christian walk looks like. Forgetting that I was once like them and quite frequently, I’m still like them.
What about the angry me? Are you okay if I came into your presence and just swore? Wishing pain on the ones who hurt me? Are you okay if I sit there, cry, wipe my tears and leave without uttering a single word? Does it irritate you to listen to me rant about the same thing over and over and over and over again? Are you okay with my mistakes? What about the ones I make intentionally, knowing the consequences? Knowing that after I was done “enjoying” myself I will be right back at your feet asking for forgiveness? What if sometimes I am uncertain of my so-called “repentance”, because the likelihood of the behavior repeating itself is still high?
Are you tired of me yet? Cause I am. I am so tired. So ridiculously over myself. So why aren’t you? Why? Why are you so dedicated to this soul? Why are you so patient? Cause I wouldn’t be if I was you. Why do you love me? Why? What if at the end of it all, I end up a disappointment? Would you still love me then? What if I did nothing, loved no one, and became selfish? Would you still love me if I didn’t speak to you?
Have I lived up to your expectations? Do you have expectations of me? What if I told you I didn’t trust you or have faith in you? What if I told you that I was still angry or rather hurt by the fact that you were a bystander? You could have healed him, but you let him die. Called him home too early, made me believe that healing was on its way. What if I told you that that event broke my budding trust in you at that moment of my life? What if I told you that I sometimes pray, hoping for the best but preparing myself for potential disappointment? What if I told you I don’t actually believe that any good can come without a bad. The “bad” may not happen right away, but in the near future, a shoe will drop. Am I wrong for just wanting the good? Would you be okay with my blunt honesty? Or would you rather I gave all the thanks and praises even with a broken spirit?
So how much of this do you want? All my baggage or would you rather I unload in increments? I know you’ll probably want all of it at once, but for the sake of my uncertainty, can we take it slow? Because each bag has a story that I may not be ready to tell yet. But will hopefully share one day.
So what is prayer? What does a relationship with you look like? I guess it looks like this, because this is all you’ve ever wanted.
Until next time,
