#26
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Photos By: Sam and Cherechi
Hi. Time has long passed since I sat behind my computer to write on this platform. I could attempt to explain my absence from this space, and will, with time.
Year 26 thus far has been the tangible reflection of God’s love for me. I am the lived experience of 1 Corinthians 12: 9a - “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.”
I entered 2022 stressed, hurt, and exhausted while trying to “keep it together.” At this point, I was running on fumes, maybe less. So by the time my birthday came around, I was grateful to be on the recovery tail of such a shocking, yet grace-filled season. Being in my final year of medical school, meant that job applications and matching into a hospital were at the forefront of every student’s mind. When I finally got over comparing my résumé and accomplishments to my seniors and saturating my mind with my inadequacies, I spent the majority of June submitting applications and prepping for interviews. Retrospectively, my advice to anyone who ever deals with this process is to stop selling yourself short. It is an injustice to yourself to envy the accomplishments of others rather than celebrating with them while rejoicing over yours. Furthermore, you have your unique strengths and there are areas where you are gifted and naturally excel at. Learn to cultivate and celebrate those areas because what you nurture will always grow and flourish.
I would describe my 26th year, as the year of being intentional. I came to a point this year, where I felt depleted. Where the accumulation of pain from significant relationships in my past and present, eventually led me to a point where I had no choice but to tend to my wounds. I think for the first time in my life, I finally said, “ow.” This private vocalization of my pain meant that I spent the first half of this year in tears. I was struggling to keep up with my responsibilities academically and personally, which for some reason significantly increased this year. I found myself in several leadership positions that I felt ill-equipped to handle, but by God’s grace managed to flourish in. However, this brings me to my next lesson of this year; learn when to say no. Not all “great opportunities” are great opportunities for you. Learn to be discerning about where you invest your time. The main determinant in making such decisions is asking yourself if it aligns with your goals, vision, or passion. I feel like sometimes, we over-celebrate “the grind” and don’t spend enough time evaluating the overall impact of the “grind.” Not just the individual impact, but the impact on those connected to you. I want to be an effective individual, not just busy. Simply and clichely put, work smarter not harder.
Beyond my responsibilities, a consequence of taking time to heal meant a season where I withdrew from most people. I did what was expected of me, but I wasn’t in a space to move beyond that. My presence at some events, apart from those I had an obligation to attend, was filled with prayers for strength to get through them. I was present but absent at the same time. I did not want to “talk about it,” nor hide the fact that I wasn’t okay. Rather, what I needed was time to be poured into whether through prayer or laughter. I thank God for the prayers of my family and friends, for this was a season I relied heavily on them, with no filters. I spent time writing penned letters to myself, and I capitalized on every opportunity to laugh and enjoy life.
Truly for the first time in my life, I am in a year where I am truly myself and refuse to make apologies for it. I don’t apologize for my drive for discipline and growth. I don’t apologize for how “extra” I can be. I don’t apologize for the sheer joy I feel when I learn a new skill or remember the mechanism of a drug. I don’t apologize for being “bossy,” or “confrontational.” I don’t apologize for “caring too much,” or loving people as deeply as I do. I don’t apologize for asking “deep questions,” or wanting to engage in “deep/meaningful conversations.” That is what challenges me, learning from others through their story! I don’t apologize for having and staying committed to my “high standards.” I don’t apologize for some of my seemingly, “unintelligent decisions.” On the rare occasion that I am wrong (…I kid), I learn more from my evaluated mistakes, therefore, I give myself permission to make them. I don’t apologize for not “doing what everyone else is doing.” Finally, I don’t apologize for my absolute obsession with Jesus, that’s my best friend, period. (Okay I’m calming down now).
I will end with this,
“I'm grateful for the growing pains. I'm grateful for all those I've had the honor of encountering. I'm grateful to all who have blessed me, inspired me, and accepted me. I'm grateful to God, who took a shy, quiet, and stubborn soul and gave her a home. I look forward to evolving. To growing. To being my full authentic self. So, to those who don't know me, "Hi, my name is Idy and it's nice to meet you 😊."
Until next time,
