#28
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will give counsel- My eye is on you. ”
Year 28.
How to begin? I have found that the beginning of each new chapter in my life is precipitated by an event, or a series of events that either challenge a belief, an innate response to seasons with similar themes or expose an area that requires healing. What has been redundant, (annoyingly so), in each chapter of my life since the age of 22 was the theme of trust. As I grew deeper in my relationship with God, the more I was required to surrender and trust God. Let me explain.
I graduated from medical school two years ago. I always had my life planned out. I knew what was next - I would begin my journey to train in my specialty of interest, surgery. I had planned at that point to go back to what was familiar, home; where the safety of my family was and the pathway to my next goal was straightforward. Yet, in my final year of medical school, I felt differently. I felt as though my journey wasn’t finished here, but only beginning. This feeling wasn’t unfamiliar to me, I experienced it when I was in my final year of high school during university applications. What was different this time was all of a sudden windows began to open favorably on my behalf; and while celebrating the miracle of finally becoming a doctor after over a decade of schooling, this led to the beginning of a chapter that I never read before.
Year 27 leading to 28 was a year of unfamiliar territories which meant that I had minimal experience to draw from. I had never been a qualified doctor, pursuing a specialty that seemed incompatible with my personality. It had been a while since I worked full time, so trying to maintain healthy habits like staying physically active and mentally healthy was a tricky balance. Spiritually, it was a battle to juggle heavy working hours with prayer when you are faced with the choice to sleep in for an extra hour or wake up early to pray. I had never been a young woman navigating dating as an adult and the complexities of a romantic relationship; while at the same time, grasping onto my values. Even with that came the fleeting thoughts to settle, as my desire for partnership and building my life with someone began to bubble to the surface. I had never been an individual dealing with the real joy-stealing topic of finances, calculating every single penny earned, while trying to build generational wealth. On top of that, being obedient to staying also meant that each challenge, horrible experience, or discouraging report, which felt constant, was filled with a desire to run back to what was familiar. Below was a moment captured in my notes. It describes my thought process during this journey and my conclusion from this experience. I hope it blesses you.
You know as a child, I dreamt of moments like this. I would always say, “I would like to see the world. It’s wonders, cultures, and traditions.” There was so much out there and I ambitiously wanted to know all of it. Now, I am leaving a country I never added to my list of places worth seeing, but went to out of obedience and I forget. I forget that I am living my dream, and although I am still unclear as to what impact this short chapter was meant to make, amid my tumultuous emotion, at its epicenter, I am grateful. It’s funny how I am literally on the verge of tears, but still equally. unequivocally filled with gratitude. I don’t understand human emotion. Can I be frustrated and still have this baffling belief that it will all work out? It’s crazy because the second half of that statement is not based on evidence. I don't see a cloud, I stopped trying to envision the rain, I don’t see how the pieces will fall into place. I feel volatile; always treading the gap between screaming until my lungs give out and praising. I keep pushing myself to learn things quicker, be better, believe more, be more disciplined, kinder, smarter, more efficient, improve communication, etc, yet I feel nowhere close to my goal. I feel lost, but found. Confused, yet hopeful. Drowning in uncertainty but grasping onto the word of my Father because I am convinced that while sitting on this tarmac, surrounded by planes with unknown destinations, that He who started a good work in me will see it to completion.
If I had to reflect on year 28 so far, what I would say to my younger self is to be kind and gracious yourself, for you did the best with what you knew. 2024 was the year of obedience and in obedience, you are learning to soar. While you are not where you want to be, you are not where you started. It may seem far away, but really, it’s right around the corner. Be mindful of your thoughts. Refuse to be your enemy, rather, be your biggest cheerleader. He is still faithful, He’s got you in the palm of your hand (it is literally in your name). His promises are not just words to regurgitate when the inspiring moments provoke it, but let it remain engraved in your spirit in the depths of any despair. You will continue to soar.
Warm regards,
